Dec
31
2009
What Should I Do? Alcohol?
Posted by: Alan in Alcohol Counseling, tags: Alcohol, Should, What
Please only answer if you are a professional or have been through this. My husband and I have had marital problems for nine years, all of it stems as I see it from his drinking. I left six months ago and told him if he got clean for one year we would go to counseling. I have stood by that. Two weeks ago, once again with no help he said he has stopped and wants to go to counseling and to rebuild our marriage, I said I cannot do that yet, I can support you and will but not counseling yet. He has told me he has stopped a hundred times over. Am I doing right or should i go and give it a shot? I dont believe or trust him and its so hard. I need to hear from someone that is not involved emotionally.
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December 31st, 2009 at 6:35 pm
You don’t sound ready to trust him yet. I’ve had addicts and alcoholics in my family for my entire life and what I’ve learned is that it is imperative for them to prove their sobriety. If they take it seriously, they’ll be willing to show you they are intent on changing their lives.
Consider going to al anon. It’s been really helpful to me and many that I know. Good luck.
December 31st, 2009 at 10:07 pm
I was formerly married to an alcoholic. If you still love your husband and hope to make your marriage work then I suggest you do the following:
1) Have him see his doctor, admit to being an alcoholic and ask for a prescription for Antibuse. (As far as I know they still prescribe it or something like it) Make sure he takes it by giving it to him yourself and then checking his mouth to make sure he actually swallowed it.
2) Insist he go to AA. Daily if necessary until he gets a good handle on his sobriety. You should attend Al-anon.
3) You should both get counseling. Individual for you both and joint.
If you both really want this work and are willing to work very, very, hard then you have a better than average chance of succeeding. Always keep in mind that this is a disease and will never be cured only controlled.
My marriage didn’t survive but there were other issues as well.
I wish you luck!
January 1st, 2010 at 3:03 am
I know it seems hard right now. My ex-husband had a problem with pot and drinking. I asked him lots of times to quit but he wouldn’t. Well he would for like a little while but then he would start again matter of fact he had to go to court and right before he had to go he got high and he had to tell them in court and had to pay fines and so on well when I finally had enough I told him I wanted a divorce and then miraculously he quit. Well that is until he finally realized that I wasn’t going back to him and he started smoking and drinking again. So until he gets professional help he really is never going to quit. he has to want to do it for himself not just for you.
January 1st, 2010 at 5:00 am
alcoholism can be controlled only if the alcoholic wants it to be..he says he is ready to do that…in which there is no reason he can not start that process on his own…however, with such processes available, the one thing that helps maintain his soberity is support….learning how to quit is one thing…learning to continue in a loving relationship is another…it too needs support…if you want to be part of the solution and not the problem I’d suggest you do what you can to help him and you get through this together…good luck…listen, lord knows you have endured enough, but I and the lord would like to see your marriage happily ever after.
January 1st, 2010 at 10:02 am
I am a recovering alcoholic (9 years). I hope I can help a little.
I believe you should stick to your guns, and not seek counseling until your husband has been sober AND IN AA (going to meetings, talking to a (male) sponsor, working steps) for one year. If he is doing the DIY method again, it’s going to end up like all the other times he told you he’d quit. You have no more reason to trust him this time than any previous time. Right now, he’s just trying to get you back and saying what you want to hear.
I would also very strongly suggest that you try Al-Anon, which is a group for the family and friends of alcoholics. This group helped my family a lot when I was drinking and into sobriety as well (early sobriety is very difficult on the alcoholic, but even more so on the family).
Good luck. But stick to your guns.
January 1st, 2010 at 11:09 am
You sound like you aren’t ready to give up on him yet. I’d suggest that you go to counseling with him but not to move back in just yet. That way you can get an idea of where he is in his battle against the bottle and find out if you can trust him again..
January 1st, 2010 at 11:28 am
If I were you I would go to counseling by myself. Matbe try alanon meetings. You need to work things out for yourself before you can help him. If he trully is clean do you want to be with him? From what you say he is trying to cange are you willing to meet him half way? You need to help yourself before you can help him.
January 1st, 2010 at 1:23 pm
go with him, 6 months or a year. It’s hard to quit drinking, even harder to stay sober. He needs your support.
January 1st, 2010 at 3:36 pm
Some people with alcohol problems can quit alone, most cannot. My dad drank and promised to quit for years. He has slowed down because he is older, but he hasn’t quit entirely. Even after multiple drunk driving offenses, financial ruin and health issues he still drinks occasionally.
Follow your instincts. If you think he will relapse, then you should NOT try to rebuild your relationship with your husband.
Your husband needs a support group and counselor to help him quit, stay clean and deal with what drinking has done to his life. He also needs to seek that help because he WANTS to, not because you gave him an ultimatum.
It is definately best to stear clear until he has proven beyond shadow of a doubt that he is clean and staying that way.
January 1st, 2010 at 8:24 pm
I have been there girl. I don’t think it would hurt if you went to counseling but don’t get back with him. Are you going to Alanon meeting and is he going to AA meetings if not you should it has helped a friend of mine and she has been sober for over 2 years now. My BF who I lived with for 4 years is the one I had to leave because of the alcohol. He is now dieing of cancer because of the abuse. Its not easy going through this and that’s why I wouldn’t marrie him. I don’t baby him either. You can’t because any sympathy they take as an okay I can drink now. Stand you ground but I don’t think going to a councilor would hurt . Good luck.
January 2nd, 2010 at 1:53 am
That is up to you. If you are not ready to go with him, then go alone to a different counselor who deals with addictions and marriage issues, especially alcohol-related and/or to alanon if you are not already. Read up on books about codependency. It is also possible that some of the problems do not necessarily come from the drinking alone. Some of the problems could be deep-rooted issues that need psychological help that cannot be offered on the web. For example, in a situation of domestic violence, one excuse that is common amongst women and their abusers is that it’s the drugs or the alcohol doing it and he becomes a different person, but abuse is abuse. Sometimes the drugs and alcohol just bring out what is already in them. I just wanted you to take this into consideration if you have not already, not to say that he is abusing you or anything like that, but addicts (to anything) have strange behaviours they exhibit. And some of them substitute their addictions for another addiction if they do not get serious help trying to stop the root cause.
Has he ever tried detoxing in a clinic? If not, he should go there as many times as possible and as many days as he needs.