What Is The Big Picture With My Mother-inlaw?
Posted by: Alan in Alcohol Counseling, tags: Motherinlaw, Picture, What, With
I have been married to my husband ( her son) for 2 years and together with him for a total of 5 1/2 years.
At first we had some hard times to get through. He was verbally and mentally abusive to me from drugs and alcohol. We ended up moving to a different state and his drug use got worse. He lied to me about using. I had enough of the abuse and told him to get counseling or we were done. He opted for the door and left me with our 2 kids (ages 1 and 2). I was devestated because of all the chances I had given him.
He left state and went to his home state. I on the other hand got involved with another man who treated me like gold. I ended up being phyisically involved with him. After about 2 months, I get calls from my ex and he wants to make things right. That’s all I wanted so I imaturely dumped my new boyfriend to make things right with my children’s father.
I made him promise no more drugs and alcohol. He agreed. During our drive to his home state, somehow, his mom heard that I was sleeping with this other guy. Now I had a BIG secret to keep from my soon to be husband. To this day he is pissed that I did that with another man even though we were split up. I guess I just needed to feel like I was alive.
Well time went by and I ended up telling my soon to be husband that the rumor was true. He was devestated that I lied and did that.
My mother in law, ever since has had it out for me. When I moved here I made some friends and would talk about the problems I had. I had even told them that I was thinking of leaving him. Later they came to my MIL and told her what I said.
5 months ago my husband had been fed up with his personal health and decided to try and kill himself. I was so over stressed and scared and just mortified. On the night he had done it, I had to go home from the hospital and while I was there I called my exhusband and told him what had happend. It was all I could do to talk to someone. I couldn’t reach my parents and I didn’t want to deal with his mom any more.
Now my exhusband left a nasty answering message on my MIL’s machine and she heard that I told my ex that my husband tried to kill himself. She would tell my husband that she “knows something, but doesn’t want to say it, becuase it would rip the family apart.” He would ask me and becase she confronted me on it, I said I didn’t know what she was talking about. I knew that she wouldn’t understand that I called my ex about my husband. I wasn’t doing it to get together with him. I surely wasn’t celebrating it. I was emotionally over loaded and needed to talk to a friend. Niether my MIL or my husband understand how to be friends with someone you are divorced from. Plus we have one child together, so the bond is always going to be there.
Well, now my MIL is having us go to counseling meetings with her. I think is is insane. How many couples have counseling with their MIL? She talks about how she can’t trust me and that I am hiding things from her son. Well, I shoudl have told my husband that I talked to my ex, even though he wouldn’t understand. Now she is putting me under the bus tires and making me look awful and making things out to be more than they are. She even took my husband to my workplace and talked to my boss about how much I am being paid and that she doesn’t trust me. He had no idea she was going to do this. He stuck up for me like crazy. Yesterday she told him that she doesn’t know who I am because I have all these different sides. Sorry, but who doesn’t…anyone is going to react to their environments.
Well, now, she has brought up the whole knows something and doesn’t want to break up the family thing and my husband wants to know what she is talking about. I just told him. He was hurt and confused.
How should I treat this counseling session tomorrow? I love my husband, but I tried to tell him that she has no business investigating our personal problems and fishing for ways to smear me in the ground. He is upset with me for lying to her and him. I said I would apologize to her but if anything about our personal problems come up then I won’t talk about them in front of her. If I do, it makes her part of our marriage. She does not need to know about my insecurities or his and how we treat each other all the time. But becuase he is upset with me, he says that when my ex called her, she became involoved. Maybe so, but why have to make such a big deal out of calling my ex? Now my husband is trying to piece together the same “clues” to see what else I am doing. I am not doing anything, I just want her to leave us alone. I told my husband that I would like for him to sit with me at counseling and blatantly tell his mom that we are staying together, and he is upset that I caused him pain, biut we as a couple will discuss that issue privately without her. He is not for that AT ALL. I told him that I would not go to the session becuase his mom would be there. I do owe her an apology and that’s it. She has no right to sit in
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February 12th, 2010 at 7:44 pm
I wonder how sick and tired of this crap your kids are.
Keep your private business private.
Your husband is an addict- don’t expect him to be normal.
February 13th, 2010 at 2:14 am
girl, get rid of them all. find the old guy that treated you like gold and never look back.
February 13th, 2010 at 7:53 am
good luck and youll never win just stay away from the *****
February 13th, 2010 at 8:55 am
It’s not the MIL that is the problem here. It’s the dysfunctional relationship you are in with an abusive drug addict who is unreliable, fickle and can’t trust you (not that you can trust him either after all that). If you choose a partner who respects you and trusts you, you will not have the problem with his mother – he will take your side and nip the problem in the bud. Generally, if your partner is dysfunctional – chances are, his family is, as well. This is just something you will have to learn to deal with in the long run. The big picture is, some things can’t be changed; you can either settle and accept it, or move on and look for a better role model for your children.
February 13th, 2010 at 3:12 pm
That just makes NO sense to me.
#1: You slept with some guy & she SOMEHOW found out. HOW?
#2: You made friends, told them stuff, then they ran to HER. WHY?
#3: You called your EX & then he called your MIL? Why & how does he know your new husband’s MOTHER? Weird.
I’m just thinking something else is up here. She shouldn’t be involved to this extent in your relationship BUT who are all these people you know that run to HER with gossip? Your old boyfriend? Your new friends? You’re ex husband? Sounds like people don’t really like you. I hate to say it but that’s what it seems to be.
February 13th, 2010 at 5:46 pm
This is ridiculous! Mother-in-law interfering with your marriage?
I think your husband is immature and very much attached to his mom. You, as his wife, are supposed to be the most important being in his life and he considers you first before any other person but he puts his mum first. He needs to sort that out and all your problems would be solved.
but first, pray to God to help you in Jesus’ name.
February 13th, 2010 at 11:28 pm
OMG!!!
You married an insecure jerk and he is letting his Mom fight his battles for him. How reputable is a therapist that would even hear “court” on this? You should get a lawyer. Apologize to her before the event and be done with it. Don’t see why you feel you have to apologize though. She’s the one who is taking it out on you that she raised a bad person. She won’t admit her flaws but look how many you have. RUN!
February 14th, 2010 at 3:14 am
“I told him that I would not go to the session becuase his mom would be there. I do owe her an apology and that’s it. She has no right to sit in”
That pretty much sums it up. Tell your hubby that theres only 2 in a marriage, and that if he wants it to work he’s gonna have to divorce his mother and start working on things together. If he wont, then hun you’ve got a choice to make….a big one. Apologize the the MIL as you said and add in that you’ll no longer be discussing anything beyond the weather with her…..and stick to that…when she starts, turn and walk away. You have children, and what they’re witnessing right now is bordering on dysfuctional abuse. Put them first….start working on a stable home (with or without your husband & MIL)….after that the marriage. You seem to know what path to take but are ALLOWING yourself to get pulled off it at every turn. Jump back on again and don’t stop until you’re enjoying a mostly peaceful life. Keep in mind another thing….people don’t “do” things to you…you allow them. This is your life…take back the control…for your children’s sake. Much luck!!
February 14th, 2010 at 6:03 am
Girl this is allot of info. Bottom line, your husband and you were separated. He made that choice. What you did when you were separated is none of his business. What did he expect, when he walked off and left you.
You shouldn’t have lied about it. But now that you have you have tried to fix it by telling him the truth. He needs to deal with it. If he can’t deal with it, then that is his hang up.
Don’t let your MIL have any power over you. Let her know that you told him your secret and that you have nothing to hide. (make sure you don’t). Let her know that her meddling has got to stop.
February 14th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
First of all he left you and what you did was you’r buisness did they expect you to sit on your butt waiting for him to come back you, you weren’t married to him. Someone that bad with a drug problem leaving you, you probably never expected him to come back, I wouldn’t have. So what is so wrong with you trying to get on with your life? Second of all if you plan on marrying this guy your life is going to be miserable for as long as your with him if you don’t sit you’r boyfriend down and lay down some rules about what the MIL needs to be included in, you are marrying him, not his mother, that apparently needs a life of her own. The 2 of you need to work your problems out and do not involve her in any of them or she will never stop making your lives miserable. If he’s a Mommy’s boy and wants her there and goes running to her every time something goes wrong than you need to get out while you can. Marriages don’t work that way.
February 14th, 2010 at 5:33 pm
I think you need to stick to your guns and tell him that any issues in your marriage need to stay between the 2 of you. He sounds like a spoiled mama’s-boy. Can you talk him into moving out of the state again? It sounds like you need to get as far away from your MIL as you can. Good luck.
February 14th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
idk you seem like stressed and overloaded. its prob not good for you. i think you should tell him if his mother doesn’t stay out of their business then you need to take a break from him and his mother and leave for a couple weeks with the kids. tell him your really stressed and just need to get away because he seems to be on his mothers side or see things the way his mother does and you feel over ruled and you don’t see why his mother is in the marriage with you and him. if it still continues maybe you should talk to him about him, you, and the kids moving away to a different town or even better a different state. if he isn’t up for it and still thinks his mother has a place that she does now in your marriage i think you need to see if you can go back with the old guy or get a new one because that situation isn’t going to work.
February 14th, 2010 at 10:11 pm
with a monther in law like that your relationship is not going to be easy the best thing me and my husband did was move away from his mother. she was OUR biggest problem. thats her baby and she feels like shes suposed to be the #1 woman in his life and the wives take that away. i dont know exactly what to tell you to make it beter but good luck and if you need to talk msg me i dont have problem talking with you to try and help you
February 15th, 2010 at 4:15 am
Ok… so you have a wayward alcoholic/addict husband whose mother is causing you problems, an ex-husband, and an ex-boyfriend from when you were separated from current hubby?
Sorry, there’s a lot to filter through here, and I’m thinking if your MIL wants to go to counseling with you, you should march right in and tell the counselor that your MIL is causing all kinds of issues, and explain them like you did right here. Point the finger at her parenting skills and make sure to blame her heavily for your husband’s suicide attempt. Tell her that if you had a mother like her, you’d want to kill yourself too.
February 15th, 2010 at 6:54 am
honey – you owe her NOTHING! shes being manipulative and condescending. you need to go to counseling and tell them (MIL and hubby) that you are going to give him until the end of the session to tell you and her that she needs to stay out or your gone with the kids. and in a couples session (no MIL) tell him EVERYTHING and how you are feeling and felt with it happened – just clear it all with the counselor first lol – and tell her that if u had her as a mother you would want to try to kill urself too. sounds like she is a mean spirited women thats a busy body with to much free time on her hands. and btw – i hope your boss told them to hit pavement and didnt discuss your wages with them.