My Husband Is A “functioning” Alcoholic. He Drinks Nightly. Passes Out Almost Every Sat. Night. We Have 3 Kids
Posted by: Alan in Alcohol Counseling, tags: "functioning", Alcoholic, Almost, Drinks, Every, Husband, Night., Nightly., Passes, Sat.
ages 17, 9 & 7 (big surprise, that one). I hid his drinking from the first, she figured it out at some point and has always disapproved since. She doesn’t drink nor do any of her friends. She’s told her father she disrespects his choices and his drinking in front of the little girls, that she hated how he acted when she was little and it disgusts her to see him like that with the other 2. He, in turn, just sort of ignores her. He is very involved (a “fun” daddy – not the homework, boring crap involvement)with the little 2. This time around as soon as they were able to notice that stupid way he starts acting when he’s had too much, I told them it was because he drank alcohol – beer, wine, whatever. And to stay away from him when he’d had too much because he just acted silly and stupid. I won’t leave him. He’ll have to be the one to leave. I make sure the girls are in counseling and he knows why, too. I’m just soo tired of my life and raising these girls seemingly alone. Any advice?
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February 23rd, 2010 at 8:41 am
I was in a similar situation years ago, my husband was a “functioning alcoholic” as well. He was fine during the work day and when we went out as a family but in the evening and on his days off he would get so drunk that he would eventually pass out. I hated it and I felt so alone because I was embarrased to tell my family and friends and my son was only 2 years old at the time. Eventually I threatened to leave him and he got help and now things are so different and its wonderful, but I understand what your talking about when you say you wont be the one to leave because Ive been there and I know that you love him and want to be there for him. The one thing that helped me so much was a support group for women who live with alcoholics. I found one online in my area and also my local hospital had one as well. It is for women who are going through the same exact thing you are and it kept me sane through the tough times and these women were at one point the only thing that made me laugh and feel good ( besides my son!) You sound like you are doing all you can for your children so please make sure you take care of yourself too. God bless you and good luck.
February 23rd, 2010 at 11:34 am
Raised by a functioning alcoholic myself I want to say I am really wondering where your priorities are. I understand that you are religious and that is why you wont leave him although, if you think anything of your children you will give him a choice, alcohol or his family. You are making excuses for him and his drinking. No child should have to grow up around that. His own child is 17 and is smart enough to not like it. I am sorry if I seem harsh but you really need to leave him or get him help for him to stop drinking. You need to be more worried about what this is doing to your children than not wanting to leave him.
February 23rd, 2010 at 4:33 pm
There is no advice or help for you, as long as you insist you won’t leave him.
Apparently you would rather see your kids in therapy than growing up in a normal household. Way to go, mom!
February 23rd, 2010 at 8:27 pm
There is no such thing as a “functioning” alcoholic. There are only alcoholics who destroy themselves and those around them. Your kids are already in counselling, for heaven’s sake! Are you seriously going to force them to grow up in the toxic environment they are in now, simply because you “won’t leave him”? If that’s the case, you’d do better to give up your kids to Child Protective Services voluntarily. You obviously do not have their best interest in mind.
February 24th, 2010 at 12:42 am
Sorry, no advice. You seem to be doing what you can short of leaving him.
I too am married to a functioning alcoholic but have no kids.
February 24th, 2010 at 4:22 am
i understand that you dont want to leave him but you should he isnt a good roal model to your kids and what if he does something stupid!!! by the sounds of it he isnt going to stop so as hard as it maybe you need to leave him and find a man that is better with your kids.
February 24th, 2010 at 10:09 am
get divorced and raise the kids yourself. that will work.
February 24th, 2010 at 4:01 pm
Well since your going to stay, why not look into Al anon for yourself and maybe alateen for one of the kids. Can’t hurt, won’t cost you anything and you can quit at any time you want. It is not a place where you will find answers as to how to get your alcoholic to stop drinking, rather a place where you will learn to stop allowing the alcoholic to control your life because of there drinking. Give it a look see.
February 24th, 2010 at 7:56 pm
Find an alanon, alateen group for you and the girls. You can’t change him but you can get help and support in handleing his actions. These groups can help/
February 25th, 2010 at 1:23 am
you won’t leave your husband, but you’ll make sure that the kids are in COUNSELING?? how smart is that?! if he won’t get help for his drinking, then he’s as good as dead. what happens if he drives with them in the car, while he’s drunk, and ends up wrecking the car and killing them, but not himself? what happens then? i agree with your 17 year old! hopefully she has the sense to stay away from drinking, simply because she sees what a mess her father is!
my mom married an alcoholic, who thought he “functioned” well, until he drove drunk, and flipped his car 3 times. he walked home from that accident, and thank god he never killed anyone! after walking for 4 hours home, he was STILL drunk, walking through that door! he continued to “function” well, until the nights when he raped her, and tried to kill her.
if your husband drinks until he passes out EVERY night, how can you say you are a good mom to those girls, letting them see that every night. did you know that children of an alcoholic parent have a higher chance of becoming an alcoholic themselves?? do you really want to set your kids up for that? he’s already alienated one daughter, there is still 2 more left to witness his nightly ritual of drinking himself to death. he needs help, and you aren’t the one that seems to be doing anything to lead him to that help. if you don’t love him enough, why are you still with him? you already are raising the girls by yourself, right?
February 25th, 2010 at 7:25 am
Okay, I can’t believe how quick everyone says for you to kick him to the curb. Really, alcoholism is a disease. If he had cancer would you kick him out? Probably not.
Whether he is a functioning alcoholic or not, you see he has a problem and want to help him. But really, until he sees his drinking as a problem, he won’t be looking for help, nor will your situation change.
Spouses often “enable” their spouses addictions because they get something out of it. So the question is, what do you get out of your husbands drinking? Please think about this seriously. You sound very co-dependant and probably need to get help yourself.
February 25th, 2010 at 11:18 am
Hate to tell you but you need to leave him. He only loves alcohol and not his family.He needs to get help for himself and the only way he will get out of his alcohol is if he chooses to do so. You on the other hand have betterv things to do then worry about someone that can’t even help themselves. Your kids need you and they need you to be strong. You stay in this relationship, I guarantee you your kids will learn stuff that will not be good for them later in life. You need to do this and nothing else. And pray!!! God will help you through this and what you need to do. You don’t need to live a life like this. Make the right decision for your future.