My husband of 6 years and I have a 6 month old son. My husband and I have been having problems on and off for the past 3 years. I have suggested marriage counseling. He said okay, but he doesn’t want to follow through with it. He suffers from depression. I think he might be bi polar. On top of that, he is an alcoholics, but wont admit to it. He drinks 1.5 bottles of wine a night and a few beers. He doesn’t take care of himself, he thinks he is perfectly fine. He isn’t a violent drunk, just emotional. He doesn’t help me with the baby, doesn’t really want anything to do with him. I am a SAHM and he works full time. He seems to lose his job after a year due to drinking on the job. He has lost 3 in the last 3 years. When we are around his family, or coworkers, he is the ideal man, bragging about his son and saying how wonderful I am so on… When we get home it’s all about him. He is selfish. His alcohol and cigerates always come first. I have my family’s support in moving away, and I am
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February 24th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
In order for someone to really change their ways they have to change their environment and change their worldview. When your husband came back from rehab he most likely relapsed because the environment in your home did not change.
If you truly believe there is something good and worthwhile to save your marriage, then you and your husband have to talk without fighting. If he is unwilling to do this, then the best would be to leave. Also, if he is acting apathetic or indifferent to the child, this is a good sign that he’s having affect issues, which means he’s having emotional issues due to possibly being depressed or bipolar.
The best thing for him is to accept his condition and receive diagnosis and therapy to help him become a better husband and father. If he refuses to do so, that is completely his decision and not yours to make unless he is harmful to others or himself.
A separation may be beneficial to both of you to clear animosity and the negative atmosphere.
February 24th, 2010 at 10:07 pm
Yes i think you should if you tried of going to counseling and he didn’t go there is no help. You need to take care of you and your baby. You have to worry about you and your baby future and how you going to put him through college. So move on with your life maybe you find somebody that will take care of you and your child. There are good men out there you just have yo find them.
February 25th, 2010 at 2:56 am
Marriage is forever, threw thick and thin, sickness and health. You owe it to your son to keep trying till you draw your last breath, and you owe it to your husband too. Keep seeking treatment, keep telling him how you feel and what you like that he does. Encourage him, addistion is a hard thing to go through, but it takes both sides of the equation to balance things out.
February 25th, 2010 at 9:12 am
I have been in a similar situation and I am now divorced. I was married for over 10 years. I felt as if I was trapped and didn’t have a way out. I found myself in a depression as a result and it made it more difficult for me to leave. I tried everything—he went to rehab more times than I can count. It never took.
After 7 years of marriage we had twins and I thought this will do it. If not for me he will get straight for the boys. He now has everything he always wanted: his own business, a beautiful home, and children. It didn’t matter within a year he started up again; if it wasn’t booze it was drugs or both.
That is the nature of the beast. They can stop for a while but they always come back. You see, I learned the hard way that when it comes to addicts, most fall off the wagon at some point or another. I am not just speaking of my ex, I saw this with all of his friends in the meetings. Quit a few of his friends met with a untimely death as a result of their addictions.
The mood swings that seam to appear like bi-polar may or may not be bi-polar. My experience was that addicts act the same way.
I don’t want to tell you what to do, you need to search within yourself to find the answer. I just felt I could give you some info. on my experiences, with the hope it could give some insight. And let you know you are not alone. It it happening every day, to many women. I was so embarrased by it, I would do anything to hide it from my family and his.
Good luck and take care of your self and baby.
February 25th, 2010 at 4:02 pm
It won’t get any better. You can’t change him. I hope you have family and friends you can depend on because you need to be rid of him. Even if you don’t, there are resources. You deserve better. I wish you all the best for you and your child.
February 25th, 2010 at 10:44 pm
if he’s emotionally depressed and suffers from bi-polar, you need to take him to see a doctor and psychotrist if ya’ll want to salvage anything of yall’s marriage. If worse comes to worse, leave his *** and have him pay child support, you and your son don’t need to be around that type of environment, especially your son. GET OUT!!!!
February 26th, 2010 at 4:14 am
If he doesn’t get his life in order i say move on
February 26th, 2010 at 7:36 am
Call Doctor Phil…seriously. I mean it. He will give it to him straight and he will help out as much as he can.
I wouldn’t give up on him just yet, hang in there.
February 26th, 2010 at 11:37 am
An intervention might help. Gather friends and colleagues and have one. Explain how he has to straighten up permanently or everyone will remove themselves from his life. It might be the thing to turn this sad reality around. I will pray for you, your son, and your husband too.
Wish you the best!
February 26th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
You need to move on he doesnt want to change and its not good for your child to grow up with that. Id get yourself a job so you can support yourself and your chid.
February 26th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
I wasn’t going to answer this until I came across the answer that said it wasn’t going to get any better. I am married to a bi-polar man who suffers from depression. When we got married, he was fine. You would never have known. Three years into our marriage my husband became violent and started drinking. Thank goodness we didn’t have children yet. He would beat our dogs and he hit me once. I knew this wasn’t the man I married, so I gave him the ultimatum, get help or I was leaving. He knew I meant it, and he went to see a psychiatrist. He was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and depression. They had to try three different medications before they found one that worked, but they did find one that worked. The change in him was a complete 360. Don’t think it can’t change, because it is possible that it can if there is indeed a medical problem AND if he is willing to find help.
February 27th, 2010 at 12:50 am
If he is bipolar the medicine available for him can help alot, but if he doesn’t get on medication you probably should leave him, because as I’ve seen in many relationships it will only get worse.
February 27th, 2010 at 3:38 am
You need to do what is best for you and your son. I understand your worried about leaving him but that might bring him to realize he needs to smarten up and quit the alcohol. I hope things work out for you and don’t forget, your son comes first!
February 27th, 2010 at 8:59 am
I would say, yes. He is a liability. A new mother needs a helper in more ways than one.
February 27th, 2010 at 9:26 am
why don’t you try putting in to him as in an ultimatum the bottle or your family or sign him up for a treatment program if you want to continue to stay with him. but it all depends on what you think is best for you and your son.
February 27th, 2010 at 10:43 am
For your and the baby’s well being I would move on.He puts his drinking above every thing.He doesn’t want to change.
February 27th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
Honey, you already know the answer to this.
The person he is now is the same person he’s going to be next year, two years from now, and so forth. He’s not going to change, but you’ll be older and have wasted a few more years of your life.
Get out now while it won’t be so hard on your kid.
Good luck.
February 27th, 2010 at 4:43 pm
Love is a wonderful feeling but you are not using your head. If the man cannot get control of himself. You need to think of yourself. Don’t feel bad about what you are about to do.
Remember this! Love yourself and your child first. Don’t feel for him until he feel good about himself.
February 27th, 2010 at 9:12 pm
Been married now for 13 years..my advice to you is not to leave right now that would be to hard for you and the baby, you need a roof over your head and who wants to live with their parents..not I.Stay get day care,get a job,get to a point where you can support yourself and the baby..then tell him to ship up or get the ***** out! I’ve been in your shoe’s,this is the easiest way especially when you still love them.You will have the baby your home and a changed man who knows if he don’t sail straight your gone and your very able to take care of the bills your self..and no you want live richly..but you will hold your head high and eventually attract someone of the same calliber ;if he doesn’t shape up…You can’t save everyone but you can save yourself.
February 28th, 2010 at 1:30 am
YES, marriage is a life long commitment. No one said it was going to be easy but when you married him, with God’s approval, you swore to your husband and God that He brought you together and no one should tear the bond apart.
I know it won’t be easy, but maybe, you and your son are here & with your husband to help him through this time in his life, to help him find God.
Your reward will be heaven. Life is short, please try, try, try to help your husband change his ways, he needs you, let God take care of the rest.
Maybe I am old fashioned, but I believe people are brought together for a reason and your husband needs you just as much as your son needs him as his father.
February 28th, 2010 at 6:54 am
You definately should get out. You have tried to reason with him on going to a counselor and he still won’t. Most alcoholics won’t admit they have a problem that’s why it’s the 1st step in the 12 step program. Whether you decide to stay or go you should go to narcanon meetings. They are for people that have loved ones that are alcoholics or do drugs. They really help you learn how to live with it and not feel like you are the one responsible.
February 28th, 2010 at 7:18 am
If you’ve done all you can for him and he isn’t done anything to truly help himself you will never find happiness in a one sided marriage. Pick yourself up and move on and do whats best for you and your son/ Don’t make his life hell because his father can’t get his stuff together.
February 28th, 2010 at 8:08 am
You’ll never be first to him. Your son will never be #1. He will always favor alcohol over all else…your battle is over, you’ve already lost. Leave him.
February 28th, 2010 at 12:43 pm
yes