Should I Give My Hubby Another Chance?!?
Posted by: Alan in Alcohol Counseling, tags: Another, Chance, Give, Hubby, Should
Me and my hubby have been together 4 yrs. and have a 3 yr. old daughter and 2 yr. old son. Everything was good in the beginning,but for the past 2 yrs. he finds every little excuse to leave. If i say one little thing that he doesnt like,he will use it as an excuse to pack his crap and leave! I’m so scared to even talk around him,because i dont know if I will say something to make him leave. He leaves us about every 3 weeks, its like he has a schedule of when to leave! He stays gone a couple days and then calls me crying and begging to come back,saying the same story over again….that he’s sorry and he will change,and like a dumb a** I always take him back,well because I love him and the kids are so attached to him,they cry everytime he leaves.He has left us over 20 times,and I am so exhausted with trying to work things out with him.He has tried counseling but gave up after the 1st visit,I have asked him why he always leaves,he denies a drug/alcohol problem(even though he gets wasted everytime he leaves),and he denies having any affairs as well.He left this last time,and called 2 days later begging and crying saying he will go to counseling if I let him back.I’m scared too….I have heard it too many times before from him.Is it worth it to give him another chance or am I just setting myself up for failure again?
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February 26th, 2010 at 11:10 pm
Others here have already provided some excellent suggestions concerning the next positive steps you can take (including counseling, setting [and keeping!] stronger boundaries, being a better champion for yourself and your children, etc.).
If you and your husband DO go for counseling as individuals and/or through couple’s counseling, you’ll both learn so much about healthy relationships and good communication. All of this will, in turn, positively help both of you and your children.
Always remember that the two of you are their first and foremost role models and teachers!
If you suspect that your husband might have a drug or alcohol problem or addiction, you might find a lot of help and support by attending 12-Step Al-Anon meetings. They’re held all over the world and they’re usually free (but some meetings might have a low-key pass-the-hat donation to cover meeting room rentals, materials, flyers and such). There are even quite a few meetings where you can bring your children. To learn more about Al-Anon, just go to http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ or http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.h… Also, to find out where meetings are held in your area, click on http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/… or call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday through Friday from 8:00am to 6:00pm ET in the U.S. or Canada.
Al-Anon now has a book, “Discovering Choices” that you can probably purchase at Al-Anon meetings or online. A description of this book along with some excerpts are at http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/b30.html. There are also free podcasts and articles, etc. at the Al-Anon website at http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.h…
Oprah and others rave about relationships expert Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and his book, “Getting the Love You Want.” He also has some free and helpful videos and downloads at his website at http://www.harvillehendrix.com/ that can, hopefully, be useful.
As others here have already suggested, there are probably some free or low-cost counseling services in your area. Just do a web search or even contact your local United Way to find out what non-profit organizations or universities might have ongoing counseling programs available to you and your hubby.
Hopefully, you and your husband will use this period in your lives to heal your relationships, and you’ll learn a lot of constructive and functional ways to communicate more effectively. This can only enrich your lives and give some great tools to your children for their future relationships.
I truly hope this is helpful! All the best to you and yours!
February 27th, 2010 at 3:57 am
No…he stays out and your go to counseling. If it works, then he can move back in. I am betting there is someone else and he goes to her every few weeks…If he wants to go to marriage counseling for a while you are willing to do that but he needs to stay outside the home so your children dont see this until he gets his act together.
February 27th, 2010 at 4:24 am
If he’s willing to go to counseling this time, then let him stay and try to work things out through your conseling sessions. But if he leaves again, stand firm and DON’T LET HIM COME BACK! This is obviously putting a strain on your children and you need to think about what’s best for them.
February 27th, 2010 at 11:11 am
NO! I wouldn’t give him another chance. You and the children will be better without all of his drama! He has major issues and he has got to make the decision to change and I don’t think he will. Get on with your life for you and your children.
February 27th, 2010 at 2:29 pm
He should stay away until he sorts himself out once and for all. Let him go to counselling before you take him back. What is this cr@p doing to the children. He can’t just up and leave his family when it suits him.
February 27th, 2010 at 8:17 pm
Yeah, don’t let him come back until AFTER counseling – that is, if you aren’t totally fed up with him already. After 20 times, I’d be glad he was gone. Too much drama for my tender heart.
February 27th, 2010 at 11:31 pm
no move on because taht was the same thing taht happened to me friend. she gave her hubby another chance and he began hitting her and cheating and then he tell u not ot cook for him and then it would be come bigger than it is
February 28th, 2010 at 12:14 am
just tell them
February 28th, 2010 at 1:11 am
Sounds like my first wife. She’d be gone for months on end, then come back wanting ‘her family’. I put up with it for ten years. Finally got divorced and found someone who gave me more happiness in 1 year than I had in 18 years with my first wife. I would not have found happiness unless I moved on.
So MOVE ON, NOW! If you want to experience real love….MOVE ON , NOW!
February 28th, 2010 at 4:50 am
you are setting yourself up for failure again and you know that,where does he go when he leaves you should find that out efore you take him back and you also shouldnt havee to tip-toe around conversatons when he is around so he doesnt leave marriage is a commitment and if he cant commit to that then next time he leaves tell him not to bother to beg for your forgiveness because not only is he disrespecting you but he is also showing your kids that nothing is stable in your life except that their father keeps leaving so for your sake take charge of your life and dont let him make you a push-over
February 28th, 2010 at 7:07 am
the guy is a passive aggressive weenie, and until he goes to counseling he will continue to do this forever. Counseling first -working on his exercises and then back. Anything less will lead to reoccurring and escalating scenes, with the possibility of the becoming dangerous, Also you need help to keep from returning to the place you are now. Because if you don;t learn how to see this kind of behavior in others you will just go from one of these to another. You may buy Cheerios, Shredded wheat, fruit loops, and when you open the box everyone is full of corn flakes,
February 28th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
He causes constant turmoil to you and the children. This cycle must be broken before you allow him to return. If you love him and want it to work, I suggest you start by telling him that you love him but you are not ready to let him come back just yet.Make him understand what he puts you and your children through each time he runs out the door. You owe it to yourself and those children to have someone that is not selfish and does not run out the door every time things don’t go his way. You have allowed him to do this so many times, I think he is using it as a way to have him some single time without having to answer to you for where he is going and what he is doing. Let him sit it out for a while and maybe he will see that leaving has it’s consequences too.After a few weeks, if you want to make it work, you must make him explain why he leaves each time he becomes angry, express what his actions are doing to you and his children, let him know that this will be the last time that you will allow him back home. Tell him if he leaves again, to make sure he packs all of his belongings because he will not be coming back home ever. Tell him that you will not stand by and watch him hurt his children time after time.And while he is gone, I would be watching just to see where he is spending his time and who he is spending time with.
February 28th, 2010 at 6:01 pm
Tell him he will go to counseling and stay there or he isn’t moving back in. And make him stay out until he really has changed. This should be the last chance. Tell him what he does to you and the kids when he does that and tell him how you feel. If nothing changes, firmly tell him you have given him enough chances and if he really cared he would have changed. Don’t take him back if he doesn’t change. You have to save your kids from seeing that. If they see him acting that way and you taking him back, they will think its okay for their boyfriends/husbands to do this to them in the future. Hope I helped.
Best Wishes. (:
February 28th, 2010 at 7:12 pm
You have to put an end to this nonsense. Sit this nut cake of a husband down and ask for a sensible explanation of where he goes and what he does. Ask him specifically if he is having an affair. And tell him one more time and he’s not coming back. And mean it. If he does it again, change the locks and file for divorce. He is being emotionally abusive to you and you must stop allowing him to behave like this. You need to set some rules for this marriage. Your husband is out of control.
February 28th, 2010 at 11:18 pm
Show him that you are no longer a push-over and tell him to stay out of your life. If you have really tried everything else and nothing worked out then there is no way that this is going to be any different. He knows that you will always take him back and let him in until he gets ready to leave again.
Put your foot down missy and let him know that you deserve better. That you are a better person and you shouldn’t live in fear. You are also putting all this stress on your children that they do not disturb. You will be okay on your own and you will find a man who loves you and will take care of you and the children. You deserve to be with a man like that. You deserve much better!
Just keep your head held high this time and deny letting him in. Care for your children and LET HIM GO!!!!!!!!!!
March 1st, 2010 at 1:44 am
Sounds like he’s found his own way to be a controlling s.o.b. Because of the kids, and the fact that at one time he was worth marrying, I’d say give counseling a try. Just make sure that you both understand that he’s on his very last chance. He may need treatment for depression and / or solo counseling for things to work.
March 1st, 2010 at 3:31 am
Tell him to go to counseling first, and then you’ll talk. Or make a couples’ appointment yourself, and if he tries to back out, pack his bags for him. He’s definitely got some kind of issue with dealing with conflict, but it’s not going to get better unless he really works on it – and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to do that unless he knows there’s a real possibility you won’t put up with this pattern any longer. Your kids don’t need this instability, either, so don’t let their tears guilt you into taking him back unless this really is the last time.
March 1st, 2010 at 8:08 am
Your hubby has left you 18 times too many. You are setting yourself up for failure, now what are you going to do about it. When are you going to stop making your kids go through the same old hurt? Be done with him. You will have to be firm and you may have to have 911 on speed dial, but be firm.
March 1st, 2010 at 12:06 pm
You know the answer to this yourself.
Kick him to the curb. Don’t take the waster back otherwise you’ll still be in this mess in 10yrs time and back on here asking the same question.
Look at it this way. You’ve been married 4yrs and for 50% of that time he’s left you and the kids. Make it 100% and don’t take him back. Go find someone that will love and respect you much more than this guy does. Think also what impression it will make with the kids in the long run to see their Daddy coming and going all the time.
March 1st, 2010 at 4:05 pm
what do you want? do you want to stay with this man or what? if you want to stay with him don’t let him back in the house until he does what you want 1st. where does he go when he’s gone for a couple of days? ask him that. and let him know if you take him back after he does whatever you tell him to do that if he leaves 1 more time your changing the locks and filing for divorce . i’d tell him he’s have to seek counseling at least 20 times before coming back home. you can do bad by your self so you don’t have to stay with him for the sake of the kids. he come over on weekends or whenever and see his kids any time