I Am A Horrible Wife, Mother Person, And I Don’t Know What To Do?
Posted by: Alan in Alcohol Counseling, tags: Don't, Horrible, Know, Mother, Person, What, Wife
Ok, I will try to make it short. I have been married for 12 years, I got married shortly after I turned 19, we knew each other only 8 months before we got married. Throughout these 12 years we have had many ups and so many downs. We have gone through 2 miscarriages, 2 births to healthy baby boys. We have dealt with domestic violence, I told him I was leaving him once and he punched me several times in the arm and the leg. I have begged him for more attention and affection and all he ever gave me was a hard time and then would give me a hard time about how I didn’t put out enough or give him enough freaky sex. When we first got married there was a girl who was in love with him who liked to talk about how good of a father he would make and how she knew him so much longer than I did and how good he looked naked (in front of our co-workers) and when I asked him to tell her to stop he refused and told me I was overreacting. I cheated on him after 7 years, several times while I was deployed. I found naked pics of ladies on his computer and emails of him making an appointment with some girls from craigslist which he says he didn’t follow through with. He told me he only started doing that after I told him about my indiscretions yet I found emails from prior to (which I’m not too mad about because I was doing wrong then, its about what he told me). I can add many more. I have been going to counseling and I am on antidepressants, I have struggled with depression since i was a teenager, I used cutting as a coping mechanism and alcohol to self medicate as a young adult and I have had several suicidal gestures and tried to overdose once in the past year. There’s a lot to tell about the past year since that’s how long it’s been since I told him about my indiscretions and I understand that he’s upset, rightfully so, however he tells me that he forgives me then later on proceeds to yell at me for what I did. He tells me that he trusts me again then brings everything up and tells me how horrible what I did was (which I agree with) every few weeks, I listen to him go off on me for at least 30 minutes on how at least he didn’t lie, at least he didn’t betray my trust, at least he didn’t put me at risk, at least he didn’t do the worst thing anyone could ever do. Now he says he can’t take this life because people use him and then dump him. I have tried to leave in the past but it’s always been an all or nothing thing with him. I begged to go to marriage counseling over the years. Finally he agrees to go then wants to stop going after a few sessions. He wants to go now that I want to leave. He says he’s done with this life because I used him. I am at my ropes end (literally) and I don’t know what to do. I have a months worth of Ambien that I feel like i need to take soon.
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February 28th, 2010 at 12:55 pm
First get your health situation straightened out. IF you’re still depressed, by all means take the med. you need to help you thru that. I KNOW how well depression meds. work, I’m on one, it did a world of good for me. I feel you two just have too many issues to overcome. You told him the truth about what you did, now all he does is throw it in your face. You KNOW what you did, don’t need to be reminded of it. His past isn’t all that spotless either, so who is he kidding & why make your life miserable when he sure did “his things” also. I’d be darned if I’d take anymore of what you’re constantly taking. You sure don’t need it & it’s getting to the point of where it’s affecting your health. You don’t need that! I don’t know if counseling is honestly going to do you any good at this point. I once did a lot of counseling, the last one told us it was NOT going to work out, he was so rite. I didn’t need a stranger to tell me that. After tons of being cheated on, I no longer could take it & it was just a matter of time. If things are as bad as you say, why bother staying in this marriage & just get bashed all the time. No one needs that. He keeps bringing up the past that is over with & should be left in the past & not part of your present. I honestly would say you’d be so much better on your own, Not having to listen to this crap all the time. He just can’t put the past in the past & leave it there. I’d say to go on your own & hopefully you’ll have a happy future at some point in time. At least you’ll finally have some peace. Get away from it all & get away from someone who is making your life a living hell. You deserve far better than this…I DO wish you the best….:)
February 28th, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Scaling Mount Kilimantexto is too much.
Can’t climb TextWall Peak.
Unable to reach the top of BlabberMouth Mountain.
And so on.
February 28th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
Divorce
March 1st, 2010 at 12:40 am
Don’t overdose, just leave him.
March 1st, 2010 at 12:59 am
Nothing left so get out.
March 1st, 2010 at 7:15 am
I think your marriage died a long time ago, but you both stumbled along afraid to see it. I think you need to separate households and file for divorce. There’s way too much bad history to overcome here.
March 1st, 2010 at 9:10 am
You absolutely need to leave him, but first you need to make a plan. Do you have a means of supporting yourself and your boys if you leave him? Do you have somewhere to live as you transition to a life without him? You don’t mention whether you have a job now, although it sounds like you are or were in the military. Get a book on how to prepare for divorce. Contact whatever domestic violence shelter/hotline you have available in your area for assistance. They will have a wealth of information on community resources that can help you transition and can be a continuing source of emotional support throughout the process. If you told him once that you are leaving and he punched you, don’t tell him again. Make your preparations discreetly and then move out while he’s at work or out somewhere for awhile. Get a checking account of your own, get a credit card of your own, find a divorce lawyer. Once you have started to do these things, you will find that your depression starts to lift, but you should still find a therapist who can help you with the suicidal urges, and who can help you transition, as well. Don’t worry about how “hurt” he will be or how he will cope. He’s a big boy and he’ll manage. For once in your long, sorry life…worry about you. And start talking better to yourself than he talks to you. Infidelity is hardly “the worst thing anyone could ever do.” I think that crushing someone’s spirit and making them fear for their safety is far, far worse. And teaching their children that violence and verbal abuse is normal is heinous. Keep looking forward, because in two or three years, your life could be completely different. You and your children can be happy, healthy, and safe and you can be pursuing goals that excite you. You could meet a decent man and remarry…not too soon, though. You need to find out who you really are first. Good luck. Keep your head up, and stay safe.
March 1st, 2010 at 10:01 am
it sounds to me like you both need to get a grip. i hope that he is in some sort of therapy for himself because it sounds like you are not the only one who needs it.. but, i also think that maybe you need more of it then you are getting. why on earth would you want to kill yourself with 2 little boys to take care of?? it’s not worth that.. if this marriage makes you so miserable that you would consider robbing your children of their mother then i say it is deffinately time to get out of it.. you both need to put those kids 1st, and forget everything else.. the affairs, the abuse, what he’s done, what you’ve done, both of you are putting that stuff ahead of your children..time to stop old and bad habits and be good parents.. do whats right for them.. get more help, and get away from each other before you both drag them down in to the pit with you..
March 1st, 2010 at 12:58 pm
Wow. I would say you two need a vacation together. Alone. No kids. Discover and enjoy each other.
Make sure he stops the porn and attraction to other women.
Is it even possible you could have an open marriage (allow him some outlet with other women)?? If not, then just recommit to each other.
March 1st, 2010 at 5:47 pm
it sounds like you both know the marriage is over. too much has happened that neither of you can get past. instead of dwelling on that & all that comes with it, switch your mindset to the future. the future is the only thing you have control of. figure out where you want to be in life one year from now, then make a plan to get there. go ahead & call an attorney (if he hasnt) and get the ball rolling on the custody, support, etc. if you dont currently have a job or in school, figure which you want & go after that as well. life can & will get better, you just have to get over this slump your in right now. remember: only YOU can change YOUR life! now, go flush those ambiens, hold your head up high, breath deeply & make that plan!
March 1st, 2010 at 7:30 pm
Your marriage was doomed after your repeated affairs. Sorry but one affair is a mistake and apparently you never learned from your mistake. Your husband is only human, how in the world do you think anyone could forgive and trust after that many affairs. Get a divorce and give those children to someone who is more emotionally stable because they deserve better.
March 1st, 2010 at 11:20 pm
First of all, he’s using your indiscretion as a way to keep control over you. He can’t have it both ways. He either forgives you, or he doesn’t. He can’t continue to throw it in your face every time he gets angry. This will ruin you both. But in the same respect, you can’t do it to him either. You both need to decide if you can live with this or not. If you decide to stay together, then both of you need to let go of the past and move forward. Otherwise, you need to separate. You both seem to be in a downward spiral, and killing yourself isn’t the answer. Think of your boys, and what that would do to them. Get control of yourself, if not for you do it for them.
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:20 am
Well, you have it all _or at least a huge hunk of it on paper now (electronically speaking), so as you add the pluses and minus it is real lob sided to the negative.
I hate to quote Hilary Clinton at a time like this, but her fav quote on the definition of insanity (=doing the same thing the exact same way & expecting different results) applies here.
Judging by your own words, this relationship does not bring you joy or fulfill you in anyway. All it does is tear you down and hurt you. So, 12 years would be more than enough for me. Just let go, even if you need a restraining order to do so.
I would not even tell him I was leaving. I would just do it. This way you don’t risk getting punched.
Relationships are not about endurance, they are about sharing, meeting each others needs & especially being best friends. You two have a mutually destructive relationship. The violence is specially unnacceptable & even if in the past concerns me because it shows me that it is possible.
One last thing, if you are going to a professional counselor & he or she is not helping you see these facts (especially the dangers to you in continuing this relationship) fire him & get another counselor. But also turn to family & people who love you to support you thru the transition out of this relationship.
One last thing … it is unrealistic at this point to believe he could change let alone forgive you. He already showed you that with his contradictive behavior (=saying one thing and doing quite the other).
You don’t have a viable, healthy relationship with this man, but you have your self & your kids to live for.
And if you really have suicidal thoughts, call for help. There are suicide lines right on the front pages of the phone book or you can call directory assistance or even 911.
Best luck!
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:36 am
You can not see that he is putting you down, it is control. The relationship is very unhealthy, get out.
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:54 am
You’ve got 2 little boys who need you to wake up and get them out of there. It is honestly that simple. Make the call and get them to a stable environment. They matter a lot more than all this back-and-forth drama, which is destroying any chance they have of growing up into healthy adults.
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:40 pm
Honey its not you – its him – he is an abuser – both physical and verbal. You need to GET OUT now and take the kids. Call a local abuse shelter if you have to. No way should be be putting up with this.
My ex-husband abused me for too long – not physical (tho close) but verbal/emotional. Please look up what physical and verbal abuse is. Its clear to me since I was abused. You don’t want your kids to think this is normal and now a man acts – they will just become abusers themselves or they will marry an abuser.
Abuser will do what it takes to keep control – don’t give him that control any more. And because physical abuse is involved – get a restraining order against him NOW and also for the kids too.
March 2nd, 2010 at 5:43 pm
Listen to me, you need help, and your husband needs help, too. Ambien can cause suicidal thoughts, if the dosage isn’t correct, or if it’s not the right medication for you. Please give your medication to someone you trust, and you take your children, and yourself to a safe place. You don’t want your kids to remember waking up only to find there mother dead. They do not need that kind of memory of you. Your marriage is not healthy, and it’s not worth trying to fix. You could do so much better without your spouse, you just need to have a more positive outlook. You have to believe in yourself. Until you do, you will always feel as miserable as you do now. On top of all of that, your husband is purposely bringing you down, putting you down, and mistreating you because he feels he can. You need to make the choice to end your marrige and move on without him. If you kill yourself, then he wins, he will raise your children to be like him, and you won’t have a say, do you really want that honey? Reconsider your outlook. Please.
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:02 pm
I think you should keep trying with the counseling. You can learn better communication methods. You were so young when you married that naturally you were not very mature in your communication and commitment to each other but now perhaps that can change. If counseling doesn’t help, time to cut loose and move on. Good luck.
p.s. you are not a horrible person at all! We all make mistakes and there is plenty of time to grow and improve in life.
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:08 pm
Give the Ambien to someone to hold. Talk to your dr about how you’re feeling. If you commit suicide your children will always feel you left them when you killed yourself.
Call 800.799.SAFE to discuss the dom. violence with a counselor. They can refer you to free counseling.
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:44 am
i feel the two of your are both being selfish, you have two beautiful young boys to think about. How could you think of ending your life when there just begining theres? The marriage with your husband is over and has been for a long time. I think you both just like the drama that you’ve created. The best and obvious thing to do is get a divorice. Not only is it best for the 2 of you but also your kids.
March 3rd, 2010 at 4:42 am
Um he doesn’t sound like such a good person and you are probably not happy being married to him…not because you are a horrible person. Just because your marriage didn’t work out doesn’t mean your life is over. Divorce him and start over with someone that will treat you right. He probably made you feel the way you do!
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:13 am
Your headline was alarming. Who would call herself these names- no – you are not horrible so don’t say it, especially to your husband. Never belittle yourself for mistakes and don’t threaten your health or life. You never say these things in front of your children- right? Please ask your counselor to read your yahoo question so that you can get professional answers as well.
I think that he took you back and may trust you, but the yelling means he is still hurting. Calmly remind him that it will never happen again and that you had to forgive him as well. You both stepped out of your marriage and now you both promise not to do it again. You both are equally starting over. If he doesn’t stop the ranting….. you may have to leave for yourself, but mostly for those two beautiful boys who can get messed up behind all this.
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:19 am
Sounds good.