What Is The Right Thing To Do I’m A Wife Who Cheated And Now…?
Posted by: Alan in Alcohol Counseling, tags: Cheated., Now., Right, Thing, What, Wife
I’ve been married 7 yrs. w/ a 6 and 4 yr. old. It was OK until about 2002 when I discovered my minister husband had a porn addiction. For the next 4 yrs. he would lie and hide it and I would be heartbroken every time I found more.
I started seeing a counselor and became very depressed. For 5 yrs. now I have alone and isolated. I stared to abuse alcohol and prescription pills last fall.
Last Nov. I had a few drinks w/ a friend and met one of her husband’s single friends, he started pursuing me like crazy. I spent a few drunken nights with him. The sex was heavily influenced by alcohol and I know I would not have wanted to if I wasn’t smashed.
I knew him for only about 4 wks. when my husband found a text from him. My husb. was devastated, he got very crazy and semi-violent. He would throw things and break them and call me a whore and tell me I was nothing and worthless and engage in stalking behaviors. He made constant death threats on him. Christmas day he was screaming to my mom that she was a b*tch right in front of our kids.
I thought about leaving him, we went to counseling, my co-workers (who knew nothing of any of this) confronted me saying he was “creepy” and “abusive”. The counselor thought he was not good to be around. I came to the decision that it doesn’t matter what I want but what will give the girls the best life b/c he is a good dad.
He cleans the house, never spends any money on himself, he doesn’t drink, he (as far as I know) isn’t using porn, compliments me, prays for and with the kids, and seems to try to do the right thing.
He hasn’t had a crazy episode in a while (about 4 months) but when he has them he will say anything and everything around the kids and make constant references to this other guy. He believes all of our relationship problems were caused by me.
I feel deep in my heart that I have cursed my family and have become suicidal (just in thoughts). I know he is in pain and what I did was wrong. But I try to avoid being around him and now I have found myself attracted to another guy and feeling like I care for him. I’m not going to act on these feelings but I am scared by it.
He (husb.) tells me I’m beautiful but I think I’m hideous. I also think he always wants me skinnier/ better looking even though he doesn’t say it. He encouraged me to get breast implants. He surprised me with laser hair removal b/c he wants me hair free. I mentioned I might try the master-cleanse diet but wasn’t ready yet and he went all out buying all of the supplies. Even though I am within my healthy weight range. I never withhold sex from him but have trouble wanting him sexually.
My mom wasted her life staying with an abuser only to end up lonely in the end.
In our relationship there is just a void. I am jealous of women who say “I love my husband” because I want so badly to love him.
I am now on anti-depressants and hoping life will improve.
When I imagined my life I never thought I’d be living like this. I was someone who always sacrificed to do the right thing and now I have done the worst thing possible.
The children are all that matter and I don’t want to hurt them. I’m afraid he will hurt me or stalk me if I try to leave him. When I mentioned divorce and he said he would “fight me tooth and nail.” Yet he says all he wants is for me to be happy.
I am so confused about the right thing to do. And I don’t know if any of this is abusive or I am just unconsciously trying to get away from him.
His parents have never divorced. My parents have both divorced several times. So I don’t want to be quick to divorce. He keeps saying we can work this out and God wants us to and Satan is fighting it. I want to believe he’s right and he does really love me but I am so confused…please if you can help it will mean a lot..
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March 1st, 2010 at 12:27 am
My heart goes out to you, because I can identify w/you in several ways. First, doesn’t he realize all this started because of HIS porn addiction? From your story, this was the beginning of the end. I too well know the results of the feelings one has when their mate is “hungrily” looking at porn. I went thru this for a short period of time, but fortunately he finally knew how much it hurt me, how degraded it made me feel, so he stopped it. I too have lived a rough life w/alcohol & men, which I would not have done had I been drinking. I’ve been married 3 times, have three children & my lst husband who did nothing but abuse me & cheat on me finally left & I haven’t seen him for 27 yrs. I’m now w/a man for 18 yrs., had a rough beginning due to alcohol & abuse, but I finally asked God for help to take away the desire, which HE did. I haven’t had a drink for 17 yrs. I’ve gone to AA & Alanon for yrs., but God was the ONE who ans. my prayers. I was brought up in a strict minister’s home, married too young & it ended up in a divorce. Married the next one for 16 yrs. had my 3rd child & divorced him. I did things I NEVER would have done had I been drinking. I mistook the “physical” for love. This just may what you’ve done. IF you do not love your husband, please do not stay w/him for the sake of guilt or your children. You are only hurting them more for being bro’t up in a house of disention & they feel it. Your husband CANNOT keep you w/him. You could get a restraining order on him for threatening you, & I also do not agree the children should be w/him either. He is causing you mental abuse & saying things in front of the children to only hurt you by hurting them. I do NOT feel he is a stable man. God is a loving God, he does NOT want His children to suffer. You are one of his children along w/your children. I would go to your local Family Court & tell them he has threatened you if you leave him. They w/tell you just what to do. I feel you honestly do not love this man, he has done too much against you. Please do something about it & get away from him safely w/the protection of the law. I believe he is capable of physically abusing you if he had to. You cannot live like this nor should your children. Above ALL, remember this ALL started because of what HE was doing, not you. So do NOT feel any guilt yourself over this whole thing. Had he not done what he did in the first place, none of this would have happened, You’re in the rite, he is in the wrong. I just DO NOT trust him whatsoever, nor should you. He is an unstable person & honestly needs to turn his life around to the Lord, he’s the one who let sin into his life, now he is paying the consequences for HIS actions. Refuse to take any of this as “your guilt”. Please find out about it & have a chance of a truly happy life, you deserve it. …I DO wish you all the best…:)
March 1st, 2010 at 7:16 am
JUst leave him, he will then have peace from a cheater, and find someone better-him I mean
March 1st, 2010 at 2:16 pm
way to long sweetie, if they gave 10 points for the longest, u win hands down
March 1st, 2010 at 7:44 pm
you need to ask a professional not a bunch of clowns like us
March 1st, 2010 at 8:29 pm
I think the only person who can help you and your husband is a marriage counselor. Good luck.
March 1st, 2010 at 11:15 pm
It seems like this has been a repeating cycle to you, from within the generations of your family. If anything I think you should take some time out to work more on YOURSELF. Thats the origin and root to everything. If you aren’t happy with yourself, who will be? Take some time to focus on you, and take care of yourself. Don’t worry about this stuff right now, just whats best for you.
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:09 am
I was married to an emotionally abusive man for 30 years so I know how to recognize the behaviors when I see them. You are married to one and he’s controlling you whether you want to admit it or not. I think you realize this, you just don’t want to admit it quite yet.
You made a very serious mistake, but if you have truly asked God and your husband to forgive you, and changed your ways, then your husband has no reason to hold this mistake against you. Both of you need to put the past in the past and move forward. It sounds like some joint counseling is in order. If I’m right your husband won’t agree to go with you, but this would be my strongest suggestion.
You say you feel in your heart you have “cursed’ your family. This is untrue. This is your guilt and the guilt your husband works so hard to make you feel working on you. Again, you need to let this go and move forward.
The fact that your husband is a minister and he continues to treat you in such a way is inexcusable. If anything, he should be more understanding and supportive, more forgiving than others. He also shouldn’t be trying to control you and turn you into someone else by suggesting surgeries and beauty treatments. Your beauty lies in the person God created you to be, that is within you. All the changes you make to the outside will fade over time anyway.
Your husband needs serious help and you do also. I strongly advise you both to seek professional counseling. I’m not saying that your husband is at fault for your behavior, but he certainly influenced your behavior and you need help dealing with the consequences as well as with the husband.
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:38 am
well put u life in front of u and go and make a new beginning for u if he does not see what he is going to lose to bad for him id did the same and my wife forgive if she does it i will too some time we do things with out see the consequences
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:56 am
If you feel there is no love coming from your part and you are afraid he will stalk you or abuse you, It’s time to leave. When you decide to do this don’t tell him, don’t give him a reason to hurt you or the children. God knows lots of tragedy have happened when wives want to leave their husband. When you decide to leave him with your children do so after great deal of planing. If possible try to move out of the state so that you can live your life in tranquility so that you won’t have to be looking over your shoulder to see if he’s behind you or following you or what he’s gonna do to you next. You will feel better, if you decide to stay locally there is no way you can stop him from roaming around spying on you and your children. Just make sure that this is what you want. Whatever you decide to do try to make a wise decision for you and your children. Try not to jeopardize your lives in the process. I wish you and your family the best. I hope every works out for you.
Good Luck~!
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:10 am
This marriage will not work…
Move on…for the sake of your children.
Allow your husband contact with his children.
But as far as yourself goes…
Get your life back on track…make your children your number one priority and then who knows….
Your life may turn around for the best.
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:57 am
My only response is how do women compare that porn and having sex with some one that is not their spouse are equal?
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:52 pm
Get your life together, and no who you are, take care of what’s yours. Take care of yourself, and keep you head up, face the situation…be happy, don’t live the life of pain, and i’m sure you’re beautiful, i hate it when women think they’re hideous, everyone has beauty in them you just don’t see it. People change but true love never change. I’m not in the situation, it must be tough but yo you’re still alive, you see the problem, god wouldn’t give you anything you couldn’t handle, you try and probably tried to help, but only a person can help themselves, i hope you help yourself and get things straight. you know what to do.
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:47 pm
Wow…a lot going on here. Well you both made mistakes. But you need to focus on the present and the future now. When spouses have arguments it is tempting to bring up past mistakes but you both need to focus on your behavior right NOW and how it may affect your children.
You and he should not be having these massive explosive arguments in front of the children. I know you said he is the one who starts it. He seems to have a problem with rage and so you will need to tell him when you are out of ear shot of the children that it is very bad for them to hear you both screaming at each other and that he cannot do that.
There are several things that make me think this may not work on the long term. He seems to not be happy with who you are and is trying to change you and your physical appearance. A woman should want to change her appearance for herself, NOT because her husband is pushing her into it. Men who view a lot of porn will have unrealistic expectations of what a woman should look like and what they realistically can do sexually. So I see that as a big issue, one that you may not be able to overcome. You have trouble wanting him sexually because you have a lot of anger and resentment deep down towards him. Sex is an outward expression of affection and love. If there is none there, it is hard to express it.
I cannot tell you what to do, but don’t go by what your parents did or did not do. This is YOUR life, not theirs. I hope you have your own income and can begin saving your own money and preparing for what may come next. i just don’t see any good coming from all of this. I am so sorry. (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:14 am
I feel really sorry for your kids, your a mess, your man is a d#@k, and they have to live with it. You two should move to different parts of the country and stay away for life. Mostly find a safe warm happy place fo your kids, they deserve much much better.
March 3rd, 2010 at 6:34 am
Feeling for you. Sometimes it seems like there is no way out doesn’t it?
I think it comes down to two choices, with him or without.
You either have to accept that you are all staying together and really start to work on the marriage with all the energy you can muster for the sake of your children and yourself or you have to plan on leaving him. If you choose to leave him start stashing money away and planning an exit strategy.
Good luck.
Baby has a valid point – as part of your exit plan ensure you are aware that this is the most dangerous time for a woman – when she leaves an abusive relationship. You will need to keep your arrangements between yourself and a couple of people you can absolutely trust. Be careful and be smart.
March 3rd, 2010 at 8:38 am
Personally, I don’t feel you cheated, it took the alcohol to release your inner feelings and desires. He sounds manic and controlling you should not feel guilty at all. You had a desire to be free, even if it was for a short time and took advantage. He wants to control you, even trying to get you bigger boobs was that for you or him? you should follow your heart which is telling you he is nota very good man. he is good to your daughters but for how long? You should not live a phony life just to satisfy his controlling urges.
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:15 am
You need to get help, get divorced and then think about eventually finding someone else. Cheating is wrong. Don’t stay with him if you are not happy.