I Want To Leave My Husband, But Can’t Make The Decision.?
Posted by: Alan in Alcohol Counseling, tags: Can't, Decision., Husband, Leave, Make, Want
we have been married for 43 years. I am 60 yr old. He is a gemini which is two persons in one! he is drug and alcohol dependent. when he doesn’t have the drug you cannot talk to him or even be in the same room. So he then turns to alcohol which makes him dangerous. when he is on the drugs he is very agreeable and relaxed to live with.I have been on this roller coaster ride all these years. I DO NOT WANT to live the rest of my life like this! but I can’t seem to leave, I care about what happens to him, I’ll miss my home, I’m scared I won’t be able to support myself, I can’t live in an apartment without my animals! I don’t think I can mentally handle the separation. I will not ask him to sell the house or give me money. He has taken my sexuality away, no sex, We don’t talk unless hes high. I’ve been to counseling without success, they all want me to leave him! Someone help me, cause I can’t seem to make the decision.Then I think I’ve stood it out this long and now I’m going to leave him in our retirement years and he will die alone. As you can see I am very torn in the decision to do whats right for me! Thank you for listening.
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March 1st, 2010 at 5:32 pm
You’re what’s referred to as co-dependent. It’s very likely that if your husband has stopped using/abusing substances, HE would have left you. Since you’ve already done counselling, refuse to take their advice, and have learned to put with and obviously enjoy your husband’s company when he’s under the influence of certain drugs, I suggest you stay with him and learn to stop complaining.
I might have advised you otherwise, but there’s way too much history here. Make sure he’s got a good supply of the drug that makes him the him you like.
March 1st, 2010 at 10:36 pm
the reason you are struggling with leaving is because you shouoldnt leave. Marriage is a lifelong journey and your husband has a sickness called addiction. When you took vows you said yo uwould be there in sickness and health. In stead of leaving behind a lifetime with your husband why not help him. Seek a counslor and talk to them about your issues and maybe they can help him see the error in his ways.
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:21 am
Get yourself into a therapist to seek out assistance in becoming more confident and secure within yourself. As well seek out Al anon meetings they are a support group for individuals living with those who suffer from drug addiction and abuse. A qualified therapist can and will assist you in making these decisions and preparing yourself to do what is best for you.
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:01 am
Since you are afraid of not being able to support yourself after the divorce, get a job while you are still married. Then look for a place that will allow pets. Do this all behind his back. He hasn’t been good enough to you over the years, for you to be open and honest to him.
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:46 pm
At this point in you life, it would be foolish. You should have made this “decision” 20+ years ago when it would have mattered. All a divorce would do now is ruin BOTH of you financially.
You are better off staying “married” but leading separate lives then getting legally divorced.
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:24 pm
You will not die alone…but your husband my kill you if you stay.
People addicted to drugs and alcohol act unpredictably and can turn violent.
You may only live another 10, 15 or 20 years…how do you want to live them?
You are the Daughter of the King our Lord Jesus…you will never be alone.
Get out while you can. Pray. Be happy.
Good luck:)
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:39 pm
If the trained professionals are telling you to leave him, maybe they know what’s best for your situation? Why did you pay them if you aren’t going to listen to them? Did you pay them but only will take their advice if they give you the advice you want to hear?
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:59 pm
Since you patiently took care o him that long, i think its not bad if you continue to be the best partner for him.Life is short, God knows how you sacrificed, so just be strong, and finished your job as a wife. Good luck.
March 3rd, 2010 at 3:08 am
you put way too much faith in the astrological charts ( the stars say you are a idiot) only you can make the decision to leave him if that’s what you want do it if not buck up and stay
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:01 am
You have to make the decision that is best for you. Learn to put yourself first for a change.
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:13 am
Did u c ur problem?He might be facing same problem from ur side.U may be careless about him.Just give him some advice and try to control his bad habits.After 60 what u will do even if u divorce?Leaving him alone in the old age seems unfair.Just think about it.
March 3rd, 2010 at 7:51 am
Find a divorce attorney and one that’s not afraid to fight for you.
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:56 am
like poster said, get some new friends and hobbies, and live separate lives in the same house and give him a big dose of ignoring him.
to try to recreate your life now would doom you to poverty and isolation. at least that is how it would be based on what you wrote.
what is right for you is to do what you want. if you want to get up and go visit your sister, let him know you are going and go.
60 years old and still spouting astrology? wow.
is this one of those households where he loves his drinking and you love your 37 cats?
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:10 pm
You’ve been brainwashed and brainwashed yourself over time. You say you don’t want to live the rest of your life like this but continue to stay despite what you say and the advice given to you over time. If an online message board can give you the motivation to leave then good…apparently common sense and seeing your life pissed away wasn’t motivation enough. There are no valid reasons to stay there any longer other than co-dependence.
March 3rd, 2010 at 6:01 pm
Co-dependents focus on their spouses behavior instead of their own, thereby making themselves frozen to act. Over the last 43 years, you should have been working on what you wanted to accomplish in life, but you didn’t. Well that time is lost, and so is the changes that would have happened had you focused on your own behavior instead of his. You surely would have left him long ago had you made yourself a success in your own eyes.
But, it’s never too late. Make yourself a success in your own eyes now. Do the things that will give you independence and confidence. You are not ready to leave him because you haven’t done the things with your own life that would enable you to leave.
Examine your own life, and answer what goals you have not yet reached, what areas of your own life that are not balanced, and fix these things. One key thing you said is that you are afraid you can’t support yourself. Why have you let yourself be financially dependent for so long? Admit to yourself that this is your biggest problem to independence and that you have neglected to fix it.
Counseling isn’t successful if you are inactive on fixing your OWN LIFE.
You must also accept that you are going to have to make concessions, and that if you leave, you probably can’t have it all. That may include some animals, I don’t know how many you have. Apartments rarely accept more than 2, if only 1, and many accept zero. You have to do your homework there.
In this economy, it is cheaper to buy a small forclosure for the price of two years rent.
NOBODY can help you if you won’t help yourself. You know this deep down…stop being frozen…act…think…make small goals that work toward bigger goals…and DO what needs to be done.
You are a prisoner in your own life, but you hold the cell keys in your hand.
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:13 pm
You are right that is a long time to have to deal with all of this. But maybe now its time to think about what is best for you and not him. You will always be a part of his life no matter what and can check up on him to see how he is doing but you do not have to deal with his mood swings any longer by going out on your own. It is not going to be an easy process for you now with pets, finding a place to live, etc. Just go slow and take it one step at a time. Research out what you alternatives are out there. Good luck!
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:27 pm
Well, I’m a hopeless romantic. In my opinion, love is love no matter the conditions. But as soon as you start having doubts, it’s no longer “love” or “happiness”. It’s something else, and that’s not worth being with someone else, especially in your position. Of course you’re gonna feel for him and his situation, but that’s human, and, though feminists would argue otherwise, you’re a woman, and will most likely feel more attached emotionally especially to someone you once had strong feelings for. The best you can do is step-up, gather your courage, and jump.
March 4th, 2010 at 12:30 am
I take it that you cannot convince him to get treatment for his dependencies? 43 years is a long time to throw away,but if you are miserable then you must do something.I imagine your story would be too long to explain all of the why’s of you going to counseling instead of him but in my estimation,you need to get an attorney and see about keeping what you need to be comfortable.
March 4th, 2010 at 7:24 am
You should start attending Al Non meetings. Create a support system for yourself. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family so you don’t feel so alone. If you have no supportive friends right now go find some. Al Non is a good place to start.
No more cleaning up his mess. If he passes out in the livingroom floor leave him. If he leaves his drugs out in plain view when company comes leave it. If he over sleeps for work let him sleep. When you feel strong enough tell him he has 24 hours to seek treatment. Not meetings but real medical treatment. If he isn’t in treatment within 24 hours have yourself a plan to stay with family or a small apartment. I believe he as continued to use drugs and drink because you have always been there to care for him. He needs to feel the direct effect of his use before he can change. Wash your hands of the use and let him deal with it. Maybe he’ll see the light and change. Even if he doesn’t at least you’ll get your life back.
Check into senior communities. Those in my area rent to only 55 and older, allow pets and some base rent on income.
March 4th, 2010 at 8:04 am
Has he considered rehab? Let him know how you feel (while he’s high) and see how he responds. Maybe you should just leave and look at it as an intervention for him. Sometimes it takes that for people to open their eyes. Don’t play games, no back and forth. Go ahead and leave and see what happens. He has to want the help and you can’t make him, but you can live your life. If he doesn’t care, he is beyond help and you aren’t helping him or yourself by staying.
March 4th, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Honestly I think that you should give him two ultimatum’s. The 1st go to rehad or you leave. And that will determine what is more important at this time. One thing I can tell you that anyone addicted to drugs and alcohol really arnt happy inside. There is clearly something underneath the surface going on. So I am pretty sure it will be worth it, to try to stick around to get him to go to rehab/counseling. If he refuses then he pretty much makes the decision for you. But over all once he get’s help, I am pretty sure he will turn out to be a pretty pleasant individual. No one wants to be addicted to anything. So that is a sign to cope with something going on internally. Good Luck and I will be praying for you.
March 4th, 2010 at 5:33 pm
Do you care more about your feelings or his?You have been with him a long time,yes,but,his lifestyle is making you miserable.Maybe you’re just afraid of the unknown and are staying in your comfort zone.Maybe it’s a crappy comfort zone,but it is a familiar one at least.Do you have any family that can help you out?Surely one of them will care.If he doesn’t care enough about himself to get off the drugs and alcohol what can you do?You can’t change anyone but yourself.It’s your choice to stay there and put up with it.There’s no need to feel guilty.It’s not your fault he doesn’t want to do right.Live up to your own standards.It almost seems as if you feel you don’t deserve anything.Why do you feel this way?You don’t want anything from him but you will put up with all he dishes out.Why on Earth do you want to be a doormat?You deserve better and you need to realize this.You cannot save him from himself.He will not get off the drugs and alcohol until,and only until,he decides to do so.I hope you make the right decision for yourself.Know that your happiness is worth something and you have a right to it.Don’t let him drag you down with him.Take care.
March 4th, 2010 at 7:02 pm
I was married to a man for 13 years and wanted out but was to afraid. Like you, I had said the same thing….I’m scared I won’t be able to support myself. Then one day, my friend said to me, “I just can’t stay with someone I don’t love.” and that was all it took to finally give me the courage to get out. I had two kids with him and was scared silly. But I did it. And as soon as he walked out the door, I felt like a huge rock had been lifted off me and I could breath again. It was the best move I ever made. I found happiness again and most of all peace. You can do it. You just need to take that leap. If you know in your heart that this is the right choice, the just do it. Be strong and think of your own happiness.