Nov
25
2009
What To Do When A Friend Is Depressed, Suicidal, And Abusing Alcohol?
Posted by: Alan in Alcohol Counseling, tags: Abusing, Alcohol, Depressed, Friend, Suicidal, What, When
She’s a grown woman (in her mid 20’s), so obviously no one can tell her what to do. She won’t go to AA meetings, won’t go to counseling (even though her parents offered to pay for it). She has already spent 3 days in an institution (which cost her parents 10 grand) and it didn’t help. At what point does someone need an intervention? As a friend, is there anything you can do for a grown person who refuses help?
Entries (RSS)
November 25th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Listen – but don’t collude. Tell her honestly what impact her drinking is having on you and her family. Don’t sympathise with her – say things like “yes, that may feel dreadful, but drinking only makes it worse in the long run”. Don’t spend time with her when she’s been drinking – tell her you care for her as a friend, but the person you care about is the one who is actually fully present, not numbed out and stupid with alcohol. You cannot make her do any of the things that would help, and a horrifyingly large number of alcoholics don’t have the desire to change until they have lost everything.
Any time you let her drink when she’s with you, or agree to spend time with her or talk on the phone or e-mail or IM when she’s drunk, any time you leave your own feelings out (your anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration), then you are colluding, and an alcoholic will experience this as tacit approval for her behaviour. So you need to be very careful – even brutal – in order to hold a clear boundary and try to bring some awareness into her befuddled mind.
If she gets upset about anything, including the things you say, DO NOT, under any circumstances, comfort her. You can say things like “I can see how upset you are, but until you choose to stop drinking, this will happen again and again” or “you don’t have to do this – you can decide not to” etc.
It is hell doing all this – I know, from bitter experience – but it is the most loving thing you can do.
November 25th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
::1.800.SUICIDE – National Suicide Prevention Hotline::
Kristin Brooks Hope Center, Program Manager of the National Hopeline Network: 1.800.SUICIDE (784-2433), Suicide Prevention Hotline.www.hopeline.com – 12k – Cached – More from this
SuicideHotlines.com – When You Feel You Can’t Go On — Let Someone Know …
… SUICIDE. 1-800-273-TALK. 1-800-799-4TTY (4889) Deaf Hotline …
November 25th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Sometimes as bad as it is people need to hit rock bottom before they can come back up. Don’t turn your back on her but don’t turn into her either.
November 26th, 2009 at 4:43 am
you have to persuade her to just stop. If she says no, then you have to keep pushing her until she says yes. This won’t be easy but if her will power weakens, she’s gonna need you to be there for her. This isn’t a job for a sissy, Good Luck!
November 26th, 2009 at 8:08 am
it sounds like it’s time now for the intervention!! Your friend is calling out for help! call all her friends and family and get together and make her see what she’s doing to herself and others.
November 26th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
If your friend is refusing help, it places you in a difficult position. Often, as onlookers we can clearly see the positive features and gifts of the people we care for, but they themselves are blocked from being able to look in the mirror and say the same things. As a friend you can do 2 things: 1 of which is expanding both your own and her understanding of why people feel depressed, suicidal and can turn to alcohol for solace. 2, You can help to prepare a safety net of various people who are willing to keep an eye on her mental state in case of suicide intent/attempt.
1. Alcohol, Food, Drugs, Sex and other things are actually coping mechanisms which people use to help make them feel better. What most likely is happening is that when your friend has an uncomfortable memory, an upsetting thought or a negative belief about herself, she probably feels fear, despair, anxiety and a host of other painful things. Because she feels so intensely upset when she thinks about these things, she desperately needs something to comfort her, to relieve the trapped feeling which negative interpretations/experiences can cause. Because alcohol will temporarily take her out of that uncomfortable painful place, she needs the alcohol as a tool to help her cope. So far, alcohol is the only thing which can take her out of that very painful place her mind is occupying. Although she may have tried counseling or AA, she may be unable to let go of the alcohol because basically, when you remove the only thing which makes her feel better, she feels she is helpless and craves the alcoholic relief much much more. The biggest problem is that the real issues stem from feeling not okay about herself, and again the beliefs are the cause here.
Professional help which is aimed at working through the different scenarios in her life where she feels badly about herself is essential. The help must identify the negative feelings, beliefs she has and provide a different explanation for things, a different way of processing it as well as an alternate coping mechanism which will help her feel better. Very often, the body also reacts to the anxiety produced from upsetting thoughts and she needs physical calming mechanisms in addition to mental coping tools.
2. Contacting people who might all be on the same page in terms of helping her is a way to expand her safety net. Friends and family members who can refrain from upsetting her could accompany her to the counseling sessions, transport her, go out for coffee with her afterward etc as a way of helping her get the help she needs for depression and for alcoholism. By creating a positive experience around going to these meetings, she may feel more able to go. Create life around her, even if she is not yet able to enjoy it. Remind her that the real person inside of her is wonderful, and that although the alcohol makes her feel better, it is affecting the relationships she values. By telling her you want to spend time with her but with conditions, such as only if she is not under the influence of alcohol, you may have a chance to help her deal more actively with whats really bothering her, hence increasing her association of relief with friends as opposed to alcohol. It is a two-step dance between being firm and not enabling her to drink alcohol, and being compassionate toward the person and the problems rather than compassionate to drinking alcohol.
With a professional involved, it will take some of the pressure off the friends and family in that if she is showing suicidal tendencies, the medical professional can intervene on her behalf. Sometimes, the same information may have to be repeated over and over again in counseling for it to be able to sink in against a well developed negative belief system.
I hope that this will be a helpful answer for your concerns. I wish you all the best and applaud you for being such a kind and responsible friend. …..
Take care….Shelley
November 26th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
You need to be there for your friend. Maybe she will be ready for help in a week, or a month, or even a year. It could be a while, but until she wants help, you can’t help her. She has to want the help. You can take her to councelling or to AA but until she wants the help it won’t do any good. I would say just be there right now. Let her know that she has a friend that loves and cares about her.
November 26th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
The most important thing I could suggest would be to just listen. She probably just wants somebody to listen to her without necessarily giving their advice. Another thing would be to let her come to you. As a person who has suffered from depression, it’s difficult to come to a person and say I have a problem but it’s even more annoying when somebody keeps asking what’s wrong and what can I do to help you. The other thing is nobody can pressure somebody into getting help. Fact is that they won’t allow themselves to get the help they need until they can admit they have problem. It’s an unfortunate situation and I hope things work out for your friend.