Alcoholism Recovery & Treatment

I’ve been married 7 yrs. w/ a 6 and 4 yr. old. It was OK until about 2002 when I discovered my minister husband had a porn addiction. For the next 4 yrs. he would lie and hide it and I would be heartbroken every time I found more.
I started seeing a counselor and became very depressed. For 5 yrs. now I have alone and isolated. I stared to abuse alcohol and prescription pills last fall.
Last Nov. I had a few drinks w/ a friend and met one of her husband’s single friends, he started pursuing me like crazy. I spent a few drunken nights with him. The sex was heavily influenced by alcohol and I know I would not have wanted to if I wasn’t smashed.
I knew him for only about 4 wks. when my husband found a text from him. My husb. was devastated, he got very crazy and semi-violent. He would throw things and break them and call me a whore and tell me I was nothing and worthless and engage in stalking behaviors. He made constant death threats on him. Christmas day he was screaming to my mom that she was a b*tch right in front of our kids.
I thought about leaving him, we went to counseling, my co-workers (who knew nothing of any of this) confronted me saying he was “creepy” and “abusive”. The counselor thought he was not good to be around. I came to the decision that it doesn’t matter what I want but what will give the girls the best life b/c he is a good dad.
He cleans the house, never spends any money on himself, he doesn’t drink, he (as far as I know) isn’t using porn, compliments me, prays for and with the kids, and seems to try to do the right thing.
He hasn’t had a crazy episode in a while (about 4 months) but when he has them he will say anything and everything around the kids and make constant references to this other guy. He believes all of our relationship problems were caused by me.
I feel deep in my heart that I have cursed my family and have become suicidal (just in thoughts). I know he is in pain and what I did was wrong. But I try to avoid being around him and now I have found myself attracted to another guy and feeling like I care for him. I’m not going to act on these feelings but I am scared by it.
He (husb.) tells me I’m beautiful but I think I’m hideous. I also think he always wants me skinnier/ better looking even though he doesn’t say it. He encouraged me to get breast implants. He surprised me with laser hair removal b/c he wants me hair free. I mentioned I might try the master-cleanse diet but wasn’t ready yet and he went all out buying all of the supplies. Even though I am within my healthy weight range. I never withhold sex from him but have trouble wanting him sexually.
My mom wasted her life staying with an abuser only to end up lonely in the end.
In our relationship there is just a void. I am jealous of women who say “I love my husband” because I want so badly to love him.
I am now on anti-depressants and hoping life will improve.
When I imagined my life I never thought I’d be living like this. I was someone who always sacrificed to do the right thing and now I have done the worst thing possible.
The children are all that matter and I don’t want to hurt them. I’m afraid he will hurt me or stalk me if I try to leave him. When I mentioned divorce and he said he would “fight me tooth and nail.” Yet he says all he wants is for me to be happy.
I am so confused about the right thing to do. And I don’t know if any of this is abusive or I am just unconsciously trying to get away from him.
His parents have never divorced. My parents have both divorced several times. So I don’t want to be quick to divorce. He keeps saying we can work this out and God wants us to and Satan is fighting it. I want to believe he’s right and he does really love me but I am so confused…please if you can help it will mean a lot..

My wife of 14 years, with four young kids, says “she is not in love with me” and has recently cheated. She says the affair is over now and wishes it didn’t happen and it hadn’t hurt me. We’re separated (alternating weeks i.e. kids get the house) and in counseling (although not sure of her counseling objecives). She is confused and admittingly not sure of what she wants. She blames me for everything wrong in her life, whether deserved or not. No violence, abuse, alcohol, drugs, etc. in our relationship. By her own admission, I am a great guy, father and husband. She says we just might not be the “right fit”. I’m trying to give her space to “figure it out”. I would like my family to stay intact. What should I do while she figures it out? When should I just let it go and move on? If I should, how do I move on?