Alcoholism Recovery & Treatment

Ok, I will try to make it short. I have been married for 12 years, I got married shortly after I turned 19, we knew each other only 8 months before we got married. Throughout these 12 years we have had many ups and so many downs. We have gone through 2 miscarriages, 2 births to healthy baby boys. We have dealt with domestic violence, I told him I was leaving him once and he punched me several times in the arm and the leg. I have begged him for more attention and affection and all he ever gave me was a hard time and then would give me a hard time about how I didn’t put out enough or give him enough freaky sex. When we first got married there was a girl who was in love with him who liked to talk about how good of a father he would make and how she knew him so much longer than I did and how good he looked naked (in front of our co-workers) and when I asked him to tell her to stop he refused and told me I was overreacting. I cheated on him after 7 years, several times while I was deployed. I found naked pics of ladies on his computer and emails of him making an appointment with some girls from craigslist which he says he didn’t follow through with. He told me he only started doing that after I told him about my indiscretions yet I found emails from prior to (which I’m not too mad about because I was doing wrong then, its about what he told me). I can add many more. I have been going to counseling and I am on antidepressants, I have struggled with depression since i was a teenager, I used cutting as a coping mechanism and alcohol to self medicate as a young adult and I have had several suicidal gestures and tried to overdose once in the past year. There’s a lot to tell about the past year since that’s how long it’s been since I told him about my indiscretions and I understand that he’s upset, rightfully so, however he tells me that he forgives me then later on proceeds to yell at me for what I did. He tells me that he trusts me again then brings everything up and tells me how horrible what I did was (which I agree with) every few weeks, I listen to him go off on me for at least 30 minutes on how at least he didn’t lie, at least he didn’t betray my trust, at least he didn’t put me at risk, at least he didn’t do the worst thing anyone could ever do. Now he says he can’t take this life because people use him and then dump him. I have tried to leave in the past but it’s always been an all or nothing thing with him. I begged to go to marriage counseling over the years. Finally he agrees to go then wants to stop going after a few sessions. He wants to go now that I want to leave. He says he’s done with this life because I used him. I am at my ropes end (literally) and I don’t know what to do. I have a months worth of Ambien that I feel like i need to take soon.

Ok, I will try to make it short. I have been married for 12 years, I got married shortly after I turned 19, we knew each other only 8 months before we got married. Throughout these 12 years we have had many ups and so many downs. We have gone through 2 miscarriages, 2 births to healthy baby boys. We have dealt with domestic violence, I told him I was leaving him once and he punched me several times in the arm and the leg. I have begged him for more attention and affection and all he ever gave me was a hard time and then would give me a hard time about how I didn’t put out enough or give him enough freaky sex. When we first got married there was a girl who was in love with him who liked to talk about how good of a father he would make and how she knew him so much longer than I did and how good he looked naked (in front of our co-workers) and when I asked him to tell her to stop he refused and told me I was overreacting. I cheated on him after 7 years, several times while I was deployed. I found naked pics of ladies on his computer and emails of him making an appointment with some girls from craigslist which he says he didn’t follow through with. He told me he only started doing that after I told him about my indiscretions yet I found emails from prior to (which I’m not too mad about because I was doing wrong then, its about what he told me). I can add many more. I have been going to counseling and I am on antidepressants, I have struggled with depression since i was a teenager, I used cutting as a coping mechanism and alcohol to self medicate as a young adult and I have had several suicidal gestures and tried to overdose once in the past year. There’s a lot to tell about the past year since that’s how long it’s been since I told him about my indiscretions and I understand that he’s upset, rightfully so, however he tells me that he forgives me then later on proceeds to yell at me for what I did. He tells me that he trusts me again then brings everything up and tells me how horrible what I did was (which I agree with) every few weeks, I listen to him go off on me for at least 30 minutes on how at least he didn’t lie, at least he didn’t betray my trust, at least he didn’t put me at risk, at least he didn’t do the worst thing anyone could ever do. Now he says he can’t take this life because people use him and then dump him. I have tried to leave in the past but it’s always been an all or nothing thing with him. I begged to go to marriage counseling over the years. Finally he agrees to go then wants to stop going after a few sessions. He wants to go now that I want to leave. He says he’s done with this life because I used him. I am at my ropes end (literally) and I don’t know what to do. I have a months worth of Ambien that I feel like i need to take soon.